Couldn’t resist reblogging this. Chris has certainly nailed it.
There is much merriment in the world of geriatric graceful aging. First and foremost, before you even get close post sixty you would do well to establish a grainy gritty sense of humor.
This is not the humor of your youth, or even middle age. Like a fine wine that takes time to develop this is The Cadillac of humor, or I guess in this age, given the times, The Tesla of Humor. Did I get that right? That very question is becoming The Question of each and every day in some small way. Did I get that right? Does that sound right? Good grief.
The object of your humor is nothing more than yourself. Yup, better learn to laugh at yourself. Start young. It makes it easier in the dim lit of the top ten ( 70, 80, 90, 100).
A sound chuckle after an Oops achieves a…
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After yesterday’s serious blog I just had to post the following which was sent to me today via email. Don’t know how true it is but it is certainly worth a good laugh.
“A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.”
Whether true or not, I love it and am suspending belief in light of the fun I am
having sharing it.
“It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning.”
H.G. Wells, The Time Machine
I heard this on a local radio show yesterday. I thought it worth sharing with you.
Abbotsford police in British Columbia, Canada, have sent this card to all the local criminals. It’s gone out to all known prolific offenders, gang members and drug dealers to encourage them to make a law-abiding New Year’s resolution.
The card features the force’s Police Chief as Santa dressed in tactical gear with the accompanying message ‘Which list will you be on next year?’: ‘You are always only one choice away from changing your life’.
An additional greeting continues: ‘We believe it is never too late to make a better choice for your life. ‘For the sake of your family & for your own sake, consider 2013 the year you choose a new & better life. ‘Make your New Year’s resolution now! We’re here to help.’ There’s even a phone number they can call.
The Christmas greeting hasn’t gone down well with everyone though and several complaints have been posted on the police Facebook page.
As for effectiveness? Word is, police are well on the way to halving Abbotsford’s crime since 2008 by 2013 and Canada’s ‘murder capital’, is becoming one of the safest cities in the country. Looks like it’s working. So what do you think?
And how many days, hours and minutes until Christmas Day – To see how long where you live click here. It’s 6 days, 8 hours, 32 minutes, 17 seconds and counting
And for no good reason except that I sometimes, well quite often, have trouble parking and think some assistance would be helpful I am sharing here the Spanish version of car parking – hilarious
And now girls take a look at this Christmas gift list just to make sure you get what you want. Leave it in a prominent place so that he can’t miss it. And you fellows take note too.
Here ends yet another scrappy post today.
For the want of a nail, a shoe was lost.
For the want of a shoe, the horse was lost.
For the want of a horse, the rider was lost.
For the want of a rider, the battle was lost.
For the want of a battle, the kingdom was lost.
One of the blogs that I follow regularly, and in fact one of the first to which I subscribed, is Carl d’Agostino’s I know I Made You Smile. In case you are not a follower you should know that Carl is a gifted cartoonist, who never fails to brighten my day.
On August 19 (a couple of days ago) he posted Paul Revere‘s Nightmare. Reading this post immediately brought to mind the above rhyme. I wonder how often over the years one small thing has changed history. Of course we shall never know.
Just think, if Sir Walter Raleigh had not been playing bowls on that fateful day the Spanish Armada might not have been sighted and would have landed. Then the course of British history would have been quite different.
William Wallace (played by Mel Gibson in Braveheart) brought the disparate clans together to fight against the English in the battle for an independent Scotland. Wallace’s parents were killed by the invading English and many years later his new wife is raped by an English soldier causing Wallace to rally the clans and change the history of Scotland.
Would the Second World War have been started had Britain and France not agreed to appeasing Hitler by allowing a take over of Czechoslovakia and Austria.
Would the United states of America have joined in WW2 if Japan had not made the fatal mistake of bombing Pearl Harbour.
And the whole purpose of this blog today is to direct you to my very clever blogging pal Carl. Do go over and enjoy his quirky sense of humour. It will be worth your while.
That Andy is becoming a world traveller. Not only has he been to Florida, Texas, Virginia Beach and Iowa we now learn that he is getting out his passport once again to visit Darlene in Victoria, BC. We know he has a passport because he recently spent some time with us in New Zealand.
This looks like a good place to rest
Andy appears to make himself at home wherever he lands. He was very tired after his long journey from Texas to Wellington and quickly found himself a comfortable place to rest.
He is a cheerful little chap and everyone just loves him. He visited several places with us (that’s Lotte and me) and the folk at the local hospice particularly enjoyed his visits. On several occasions I have been asked by staff members where he is and they are all agog at the fun we are having with this
‘white elephant armadillo.
Checking he is in the right place and looking for his friends
He started out at Lenore Diane’s house in Georgia and then somehow convinced Lenore Diane that he needed to see the world. Some of my fellow bloggers are multi talented and that LD even speaks Armadillo. Who would have guessed? And is that a form of Cajun French or Louisiana French?
There’s room on this chair for two
He not only gets on well with humans but dogs love him too. Well Lotte at least tolerated him but was no doubt pleased to have her chair and her place in the car back once Andy left.
If you are interested in seeing where Andy has been and catching up on some of his travels (he even went to Beijing and Shanghai with Beth Ann and her lovely husband) go to Lenore Diane’s Adventures of Andy page.
Thanks to Lenore Diane for starting this and to all those other bloggers who have joined in.
My day started in laughter when I read this post from Joss at Crowing Crone Joss. Of course, most of us have heard this in one form or another over the years, but it always reduces me to tears of laughter. I imagine the absolute panic as she goes through the various stages of self-help/mutilation. Occasionally I have tried to self administer wax strips but in the end I always resort to a visit to the spa to have the waxing carried out.
But this post reminded me of a particularly harrowing time for me. I have always loved to linger in the bath with a book and either a glass of wine (provided by my late husband) or a coffee in later years.
On this particular evening I got the bathroom ready, lit candles, brought up the coffee and book, made sure the bath pillow was inflated and in place and then poured in a liberal dose of bath oil that had been given to me by a friend. For the first time ever I think, I took the cordless phone into the bathroom with me. I don’t think I was expecting a call but who knows why.
The book was good, the water was topped up whenever it got a little cold and the coffee was perfect. I wallowed for over an hour.
Came the time to get out of the bath, disaster struck. I couldn’t get out. My feet kept slipping from under me because of the oil and I couldn’t get a grip. I tried kneeling and getting out from there – no good. I tried slipping up the sloping end of the bath – that ended in my falling down hard back into the rapidly cooling bath water. I looked at the phone and considered calling my daughter to come and help but knew that my delightful son-in-law would never let me live that down. I looked around for any bright ideas. The bath was not equipped with handles as many are today so no help there.
I was getting myself into quite a state (and panicking) when I looked down and beside the bath was the bathmat. The light went on in my head. I put the towelling bathmat into the bottom of the bath and immediately was able to get out. What a relief. And while it is funny in retrospect, and while posts like the one from Joss bring it back into my mind, at the time it was quite scary. And it was several weeks before I decided to take a bath again.
Have you met Mr Nobody yet? When we were growing up he was a regular visitor to our house and again when my children were younger, he was often there too.
I know a funny little man,
As quiet as a mouse,
Who does the mischief that is done
In everybody’s house.
There’s no one ever sees his face,
And yet we all agree
That every plate we break was cracked
By Mr. Nobody
‘Tis he who always tears our books,
who leaves our doors ajar;
he pulls the buttons from our shirts,
and scatters pins afar,
that squeaking door will always squeak,
because of this you see:
we leave the oiling to be done
by Mr Nobody.
He puts damp wood upon the fire,
So kettles cannot boil;
His are the feet that bring in mud
And all the carpets soil.
The papers always are mislaid,
Who had them last but he?
There’s no one tosses them about
But Mr. Nobody
And now I come to think of it, perhaps he and that Very Strange Old Lady
have got together and decided that my home is where they want to co-habit, living in blissful disinterest in how they upset my routine and my life. I just wish they would find somewhere else. Does anybody have a spare room for this awkward couple?
- Mr. Nobody (whoneedsanap.me)
Here is today’s email.
To The Citizens of the United States of America
From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II,
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
- The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up ‘vocabulary’
- Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
- July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
- Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
- All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
- The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
- The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
- You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
- Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
- You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
- An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
- Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
Once a month our local bijoux cinema in concert with Alliance Francais shows a French movie. These are all
wildly widely supported and we always try to see them. This month’s offering was Comme Un Chef (The Chef).
A self-trained cook with haute-cuisine ambitions, Jacky (Michael Youn) gets sacked from a series of menial cooking jobs for taking exception to his customers’ taste. He even gets fired from a fast food restaurant where the customers want everything with fries.
Beatrice (Raphaelle Agogue), Jacky’s heavily pregnant girlfriend, tries to halt their financial meltdown by arranging a handyman position for him at an old folks home, but even here while he is painting the window frames, he can’t resist the call of the kitchen.
But rather than tell you the story why don’t you watch the trailer.
We thoroughly enjoyed it and laughed as loudly as the rest of the audience. I hope you get the opportunity to see this movie when it comes to your area. I wasn’t even aware that I was reading the subtitles. The body language and my school girl French (and of course the subtitles) allowed me to follow without a problem.
“The best way to appreciate your job is
to imagine yourself without one”
- Film Review: Le Chef (nataliesalvo.wordpress.com)
- Le Chef (mercifullyshortreviews.wordpress.com)
Sitting in the traffic today and then driving around waiting for a park, I suddenly remembered this clip I had seen some where and wondered why we don’t use cycle skates any more. Click here for the link
These were apparently all the rage in the 1920s and it was thought they would become the wave of the future. These were the ancestors of inline roller skates and think how easy it would be to park them. Just pick them up and go – no parking tickets, no limit on the time one can be away. Sounds a little like heaven.
But I guess they have gone the way of the Penny farthing and the unicycle.
And still on the subject of parking. A few weeks ago I met some friends for coffee and parked my car outside the restaurant. I duly paid the parking fee and all was well. It was only the other day when clearing papers out of my purse that I looked at the ticket –
Look at the date. Does this mean I have free parking in Oriental Parade until 1.14pm on March 30 2021? I wonder how many others have this free parking.
And here is a shot from the other day – Andy waiting patiently in the car for Lotte and me to go for a walk. It wouldn’t stop raining so the walk was off, but Andy seemed to enjoy just sitting in the car watching the world go by.