Category Archives: Humor

The Ooopside of Senior Communication

Couldn’t resist reblogging this. Chris has certainly nailed it.

bridgesburning

There is much merriment in the world of geriatric graceful aging.  First and foremost, before you even get close post sixty you would do well to establish a grainy gritty sense of humor.

seniors communication funny-cartoons-comic

This is not the humor of your youth, or even middle age.  Like a fine wine that takes time to develop this is The Cadillac of humor, or I guess in this age, given the times, The Tesla of Humor.  Did I get that right?  That very question is becoming The Question of each and every day in some small way.  Did I get that right?  Does that sound right?  Good grief.

The object of your humor is nothing more than yourself.  Yup, better learn to laugh at yourself.  Start young.  It makes it easier in the dim lit of the top ten ( 70, 80, 90, 100).

A sound chuckle after an Oops achieves a…

View original post 428 more words

Advertisements

Can’t Wait To Check In

After yesterday’s serious blog I just had to post the following which was sent to me today via email.  Don’t know how true it is but it is certainly worth a good laugh.

“A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.”

 Whether true or not, I love it and am suspending belief in light of the fun I am

having sharing it.

“It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning.”
H.G. Wells, The Time Machine

Guide to Hiring Women

A friend copied this and passed it on to me as he thought I might get a laugh from reading it.  I hope you will too.

This purports to be from the July 1943 issue of Mass Transportation Magazine written for male supervisors during the Second World War.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from western properties:

1. If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages, according to the reports of western companies: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than do their unmarried sisters; they’re less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it — maybe a sick husband or one who’s in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most transportation companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public, have a hard time adapting themselves, are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that “husky” girls — those who are just a little on the heavy side — are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination — one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Transit companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders.

5. In breaking in women who haven’t previously done outside work, stress at the outset the importance of time — the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employe in garage or office a definite day-long schedule of duties so that she’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employe change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they’re happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman — it breaks her spirit and cuts her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator uniforms that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy, according to western properties.”
Was this really published in 1943?   We have seen many such items and I have fallen for some and have even blogged about them only to find out later that these claims were in fact not true.  While we know that in the 1940s women in the workplace were almost universally under valued and patronised we still find it hard to believe that such an item could be published in a recognised trade magazine

So I Googled our trusty friend snopes.com and found out that this was indeed written by L H Sanders and did  appear in the 1943 edition of the magazine that was widely circulated at the time.

Now look at the eleven hints – which is your favourite?  I can imagine the uproar that would ensue if any company considered hint 4.  And I do like hint 8 as I feel much more confidant if I can keep my hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash my hands several times a day.

Discussion at the Hospice last week, from whence came this photocopy, centred around the various hints and hint 3 the “Husky girls” came out as top choice among the staff.

Women workers at war

Click here to read more about women at work during the 1940s.

The End of the World

end of the world

So today according to the Mayans the world is going to end.  I’ve given this some thought and decided to

  • Spend all the money in the bank account
  • Buy everything I ever wanted and max out the credit cards
  • Complete everything on my Bucket List that one can do in a day
  • Mortgage the house so that I can do all of the above and more

But then I had the thought – what if the world doesn’t end today?  Oh then I shall be in a whole lot of trouble.  Dug in so deep I may never see daylight.

So back to my normal if humdrum life.  What do I want to talk about today.

Well – there is only 3 days 11 hours and 24 minutes (who cares about the seconds when we are so close) until Christmas.  How about you – click here to see.

And I then thought about writing on my blog and how writing and the implements we use, have changed over the years.

pencilWhen I first went to school we learned to write using a pencil.  This was good because mistakes could be easily erased.

pen and ink

From there, once somebody determined we were sufficiently skilled, we moved on to writing with pen and ink.
What a mess we all made in the beginning.  Splotches and blotches everywhere.

fountain pen

From there we moved on to fountain pens.  How pleased and proud we were of our first ‘real’ pens.
As with all things we quickly got used to using them but now instead of blotches and splotches on the paper we had inky fingers where the pen leaked.

Pen

At some stage we moved on to ballpoint pens and I guess most of us use ballpoints for everyday handwriting tasks.

Early typewriterand then some of us learned to type.  As I have said in the past, I learned on a clunky Underwood very like the one shown here.
We had typing lessons for only six months when I was at school but those lessons have stood me in very good stead over the years.

IBM Selectric TypewriterThen several other typewriters including the IBM Golf ball that we thought was so very advanced and we all loved it, particularly when the correcting ribbon was introduced.  No more rubbing out – hooray!

LaptopAnd now of course there are computers.  What a wonderful invention and so very easy to learn to type on them.

But there are some pitfalls of relying on technology.  Here’s a clever verse that was sent to me some time ago and I should like to share it with you.

It’s an Ode to Spellcheckers

Eye halve a spelling chequer
it came with my pea see
it plainly marques four my revue
Miss takes eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
and wait four it too say
weather eye am wrong or write
it shows me straight aweigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
and I can putt the error rite
Its rare lee ever wrong

Eye halve run this poem threw it
Am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer has tolled me sew!”

See you tomorrow after the End of the World.

Christmas bells

Santa ‘s Getting Tough

I heard this on a local radio show yesterday.  I thought it worth sharing with you.Santa gets tough

Abbotsford police in British Columbia, Canada, have sent this card to all the local criminals.  It’s gone out to all known prolific offenders, gang members and drug dealers to encourage them to make a law-abiding New Year’s resolution.

The card features the force’s Police Chief as Santa dressed in tactical gear with the accompanying message ‘Which list will you be on next year?’: ‘You are always only one choice away from changing your life’.

An additional greeting continues: ‘We believe it is never too late to make a better choice for your life.  ‘For the sake of your family & for your own sake, consider 2013 the year you choose a new & better life.  ‘Make your New Year’s resolution now! We’re here to help.’ There’s even a phone number they can call.

The Christmas greeting hasn’t gone down well with everyone though and several complaints have been posted on the police Facebook page.

As for effectiveness? Word is, police are well on the way to halving Abbotsford’s crime since 2008 by 2013 and  Canada’s ‘murder capital’, is becoming one of the safest cities in the country. Looks like it’s working.  So what do you think?

And how many days, hours and minutes until Christmas Day – To see how long where you live click here.  It’s 6 days, 8 hours, 32 minutes, 17 seconds  and counting

And for no good reason except that I sometimes, well quite often,  have trouble parking and think some assistance would be helpful I am sharing here the Spanish version of car parking – hilarious

And now girls take a look at this Christmas gift list just to make sure you get what you want.  Leave it in a prominent place so that he can’t miss it.  And you fellows take note too.

Wish list

or, on second thoughts, you might want to read my recent post – You Bought Me What!
Here ends yet another scrappy post  today.

Hysteria

Clapping hands

Note – This is Blog No 501.  Worthy of applause? Now for tonight’s blog.

Tonight we went to the movies.  Yes again.  The choice of movies at our local bijoux theatre was good – The Wish, Your Sister’s Sister, On The Road and more, and we chose Hysteria.

It is described as a romp through London in the late 1800s when Hysteria was a catch-all phrase for many women’s problems.  Click here to see the trailer.

I thought it was all terribly ‘tongue in cheek’ until I looked up our good friends at Wikipedia.  Here we learn “hysteria was a once-common medical diagnosis, made exclusively in women, which is today no longer recognized by modern medical authorities as a medical disorder. Its diagnosis and treatment were routine for many hundreds of years in Western Europe.”

It appears that there really was a Dr (Joseph) Mortimer Granville who invented the electro-mechanical vibrator as a means to achieve this ‘paroxysm” in his female patients without his (the doctor) having to stand for up to an hour administering the ‘pelvic massage’.  There had been an earlier invention by an American physician,  a steam-powered vibrator called ‘The Manipulator’ .  Granville’s invention was rapidly followed by other contraptions none of which could be manipulated away from the doctor’s surgery.

Sears catalogue advertising vibrator

A 1918 Sears, Roebuck and Co. ad with several models of vibrators. via Wikipedia

Then along came electricity giving the ability to use vibrators in one’s own home, then of course, came all sorts of battery operated toys including vibrators.  And if we are to believe all we are told millions of vibrators reside in homes around the world.  But no,  I won’t ask if you have one.

Time for Laughter

My day started in laughter when I read this post from Joss at Crowing Crone Joss.  Of course, most of us have heard this in one form or another over the years, but it always reduces me to tears of laughter.  I imagine the absolute panic as she goes through the various stages of self-help/mutilation.  Occasionally I have tried to self administer wax strips but in the end I always resort to a visit to the spa to have the waxing carried out.

But this post reminded me of a particularly harrowing time for me.  I have always loved to linger in the bath with a book and either a glass of wine (provided by my late husband) or a coffee in later years.

On this particular evening I got the bathroom ready, lit candles, brought up the coffee and book, made sure the bath pillow was inflated and in place and then poured in a liberal dose of bath oil that had been given to me by a friend.  For the first time ever I think, I took the cordless phone into the bathroom with me.  I don’t think I was expecting a call but who knows why.

The book was good, the water was topped up whenever it got a little cold and the coffee was perfect.  I wallowed for over an hour.

Came the time to get out of the bath, disaster struck.  I couldn’t get out.  My feet kept slipping from under me because of the oil and I couldn’t get a grip.  I tried kneeling and getting out from there – no good.  I tried slipping up the sloping end of the bath – that ended in my falling down hard back into the rapidly cooling bath water.  I looked at the phone and considered calling my daughter to come and help but knew that my delightful son-in-law would never let me live that down.  I looked around for any bright ideas.  The bath was not equipped with handles as many are today so no help there.

I was getting myself into quite a state (and panicking) when I looked down and beside the bath was the bathmat.  The light went on in my head.  I put the toweling bathmat  into the bottom of the bath and immediately was able to get out.  What a relief.  And while it is funny in retrospect, and while posts like the one from Joss bring it back into my mind, at the time it was quite scary.  And it was several weeks before I decided to take a bath again.

Mr Nobody

Have you met Mr Nobody yet?  When we were growing up he was a regular visitor to our house and again when my children were younger, he was often there too.

I know a funny little man,
As quiet as a mouse,
Who does the mischief that is done
In everybody’s house.
There’s no one ever sees his face,
And yet we all agree
That every plate we break was cracked
By Mr. Nobody

Chipped plate

‘Tis he who always tears our books,
who leaves our doors ajar;
he pulls the buttons from our shirts,
and scatters pins afar,
that squeaking door will always squeak,
because of this you see:
we leave the oiling to be done
by Mr Nobody.

He puts damp wood upon the fire,
So kettles cannot boil;
His are the feet that bring in mud
And all the carpets soil.
The papers always are mislaid,
Who had them last but he?
There’s no one tosses them about
But Mr. Nobody

And now I come to think of it, perhaps he and that Very Strange Old Lady have got together and decided that my home is where they want to co-habit, living  in blissful disinterest in how they upset my routine and my life.  I just wish they would find somewhere else.  Does anybody have a spare room for this awkward couple?
old woman

More on Weddings

This is the post I originally wrote on Sunday and then after it was posted, I got cold feet and changed it.  However, I do know that some of you read the original before it was deleted and don’t appear to have been offended by it.  So I thought I would re-post it. The changed bit comes after the wedding quotes. It might be a little different to the original but you get the idea.

“I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for,
He said one that would make me his wife.”
~Author Unknown

For several years I acted as the Wedding Coordinator at an historic church here in Wellington.  New Zealand is a very young country, so historic in this instance is only some 140 years.  However, I enjoyed my time there and loved being involved with so many brides and grooms.  Each year we had around 90 weddings, so there were plenty of people for me to interact with.

For whatever reason, today I found myself looking through some of the poems that had been read at the ceremonies.  Of course, there were those that were used again and again, eg  from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

“….Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground,
and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches,
they find that they are one tree and not two…”

and the Apache Blessing

“Now you will feel no rain,
for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness,
for each of you will be a companion to the other.
Now you are two persons,
but there is only one life before you….”

and of course 1 Corinthians 13

“… Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…”

And many others.

And then I wondered about synchronicity being at work.  When I opened my emails today I found this. I apologise wholeheartedly to my blogging friends in Virginia but it is posted without malice.

Have a good day

You’ve Got Mail

Here is today’s email.

To             The Citizens of the United States of America
From      Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II,
Subject  Greetings.

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up ‘vocabulary’
  2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’
  3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
  4.  You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
  5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
  6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
  7.  The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
  8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
  9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
  10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
  11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
  12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
  13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
  14.  An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
  15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

Queen Elizabeth