Grief Revisited

Like a thief in the night
Grief slinks silently back into my life
Disturbing the peace I have fought so hard for
It is like a fractious child demanding attention
And as the mother with her child, I give in
And am taken back to the beginning
When days were so long and nights even longer.
When I thought there was no way out of this slough of despair
And I am once again immobilised by it.
But I have been here before
Many times since that April night
And I know I can climb out
And once again put grief back where it belongs
Until the next time.
Judith Baxter, Mother, Grandmother, Sister, Blogger and Friend

Yesterday I had a long talk with a neighbour,  His partner of 15 years literally dropped dead in a restaurant a couple of weeks ago.  He had suffered from heart problems since an early age and apparently had an enlarged heart.  The death was quick and painless for which my neighbour was very thankful.

Tekapo

Lake Tekapo where Natu died

Drew, the neighbour, put the link to the video of the funeral on my laptop and I heard him singing. Drew is an Opera singer and to hear him sing If You Go Away to the love of his life brought tears to my eyes.  I have heard many singers sing this song, but none with the feeling of Drew.

And then I went off to the Hospice for a few hours.  Here again, I was faced with death, but they were all expected deaths, none so sudden as Natu’s.

So of course, all this and particularly the Hospice brought back that day in 2015 when my Late Love, The Architect, died.

But today is another day.  Nothing changes; the grief for both of my loves lies just below the surface, ready to spring to life at any time.  But I am stronger than I was and can face the days without either of my loves.

“Where you used to be there, is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime
and falling into at night.
I miss you like hell.”
Edna StVincent Millay.

Thanks for reading.  Today I am back to being my usual cheerful self.  As we say “PollyAnna is alive and well and living in Wellington, New Zealand.”

 

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17 responses to “Grief Revisited

  1. hugs to you and your neighbor.

  2. Your poem was really heartfelt Judith. Sometimes we spot something while we’re out that immediately triggers memories not easy to control. I know that out shopping I may see something and say “Ju would like that” at he same time as i remember she’s not here.
    Actually though sometimes the memories triggered are welcome no matter how much they hurt because it keeps her at the forefront of my mind.
    I hope for both our sakes it does get easier as the years go on.
    The words of Edna StVincent Millayring so true.
    xxx Sending Massive Hugs and one for Drew xxx

    • David, thank you. Memories are never far away and so our loved oones are kept close. I hope life is becoming easier. Hugs from far away.

  3. My heart aches for you as you bravely return to your twice-empty world. Either John or I will face that void, so I’m glad you wrote about it to give me a little practice.

  4. Ahh Pollyanna. What would we do without her.
    My Nana always played the glad game and so my Pollyanna doesn’t even have to do anything to make me smile. She just has to be herself and she reminds me of my Nana and her favourite film.

  5. A sweet tribute to your neighbour, lost loves and remembrances.

  6. I so admire your strength in the face of such enormous loss and I welcome back the cheery optimistic you.

  7. Lapses are very understandable after so much joy and then the heartache, but it’s good that you’ve found the strength to build a life and carry on, Judith. 🙂

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