You’ve Got Mail

Here is today’s email.

To             The Citizens of the United States of America
From      Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II,
Subject  Greetings.

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up ‘vocabulary’
  2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’
  3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
  4.  You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
  5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
  6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
  7.  The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
  8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
  9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
  10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
  11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
  12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
  13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
  14.  An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
  15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

Queen Elizabeth

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47 responses to “You’ve Got Mail

  1. Oh my Royal Stars, Judith. I quite fancy your letter. This part had me laughing early, “(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)” Most excellent. I would list the ones I particularly liked, alas I’d end up with repeating all 15.
    Pip pip, Cheerio!

  2. #2 So true and has contaminated the entire spoken language. It comes from sports people to news anchors to politicians(Hillary Clinton has the “ya knows” really bad) to just about everyone. I much prefer the old “er” or “um”. I can’t stand it because it like makes me crazy, ya know ?

  3. I’ve seen this before and it always warrants a read through. Number four, I think, remains my favourite!

  4. This is so funny. iIcannot possibly read it aloud here in this mid western american household. but I have sat here chuckling to myself quite happily. They have trouble keeping up with my NZ sense of humour as it is! c

    • Hi there Cecilia. I would love to see the faces of those of my blogging friends in the US when they read this one. Thanks for dropping by. 🙂

  5. Lenore sent me over so you can blame her for me stalking you now!!! I hardly know where to start with this but I do love the tea reference since I am indeed a tea lover. Actually—the hubby just took me to high tea at the Fairmont Empress in Victoria so I think that should help my case to join the clan also!!! Absolutely love this post!! Thanks for the :-)!

    • Welcome to our clan Beth Ann and I am glad Lenore sent you over to join us. I have visited Victoria in Australia, Victoria and in BC and I think I remember the Fairmont Empress in BC. Is this the one you went to. In any event we are glad to have you along. A little self promotion here. Last year at the beginning of my blogging journey I wrote I’m English So I Drink Tea – https://growingyoungereachday.wordpress.com/2011/04/09/im-english-so-i-drink-tea/. As a tea drinker you might be interested.

    • Welcome to our clan Beth Ann. I’m glad Lenore sent you over to join us. I went to the Fairmont Empress Hotel in Vancouver some years ago but we didn’t have tea. Purely as a self promotion here, I wrote a blog about being English and drinking tea early in my blogging career. As a tea drinker you might be interested – 🙂

      • The first response I made to your comment disappeared into the ether and then when I looked in my spam folder there it was. By that time I had already recommented. 🙂

      • I will most definitely check it out later!!!! Thanks for the heads up!!!!

  6. This is fabulous. I love the bit about putting vowels back into words. My American spell check drives me crazy with it’s insistence that I do not know how to spell words such as honour, favourite, behaviour and colour. Is it wrong of me to wish this were actually true? Like….do ya…. (chews gum) u know….like….(blows small annoying bubble) do ya think?

    • Thanks for dropping by and for reblogging this post. It is fun but I agree with you about the spellcheck. Even though I tell it I want British English it still tells me I don’t know how to spell certain words. You know, it really annoys me like when it won’t let me write my way (can’t think how to insert do ya think into this sentence) 🙂

  7. Reblogged this on seventhvoice and commented:
    Fantastic blog post.

  8. Christine in Los Angeles

    Ya know, for like fifty-plus years, I’ve been telling people “as soon as I become Queen of California, everything will be okay”.
    Love the photo of my Queen and her puppies.
    God bless, Christine

  9. Christine in Los Angeles

    Ooooh, I forgot to mention: I’ve made a start, I’ve put the Queen Elizabeth in New York, the Queen Mary in Long Beach, CA. and the London Bridge in the desert. Soon I’ll be ready to start squeezing from both sides, then all will be, like kinda neat-o, y’know.
    God bless, Christine

    • How come one little Englishwoman all on her own in that very large state has managed to achieve so much. Well done, Lone Englishwoman. 🙂

  10. Wonderful touch Judith! :-0

  11. Reblogged this on Impressions and commented:
    As an Indian I wonder when the citizens of India would be given such a notice of revocation of our independence,

  12. Judith,

    As a citizen of Republic of India I wonder when the citizens of India would be given such a notice of revocation of our independence.

    It’s so colourful (oh no! my wordpress editor is flagging this word), humorous (but not this word, I wonder why) and provocative. 🙂

    • Well I guess you are next in line. And wordpress is in a land all of its own as far as words it will and will not recognise. (It doesn’t like recognise either)

  13. This is hilarious Judith! We could do without the roundabouts though. There is one in Amherst, VA that terrifies me. 🙂

    • Glad you like it. It means when I come to see you I wont need a passport. And roundabouts – they are everywhere here and we all seem to take them in our stride. Of course we have lots of traffic lights too! 🙂

  14. These are brilliant, Judith. So brilliant that I’ve bookmarked it and shall send the link to a few people shortly! 🙂

    However, you’re missing number 16: “You shall take milk in your tea forthwith, and if we invite you to our hice we will wear our usual white gloves when our servants serve the biscuits. They keep the crumbs orf.”

    Her corgis look happy, I wonder if they bit ankles? I’ve never come across a corgi that didn’t.

    • h hi Val and welcome. Haven’t seen you around for a while.
      Knew you would like this one and sorry, forgot about the tea. that’s a good one.
      And my mother had a very bad tempered corgi who used to nip at the children’s ankles.
      Hope you are felling well.

  15. typo: Bite ankles, not bit ankles. Though if they bite then they probably bit, too.

  16. Was feeling okay til earlier on when I got a sudden, very bad lumbago! Oh well, I expect it’ll go soon. Hope you’re well. Hugs.

  17. Reblogged this on I choose how I will spend the rest of my life and commented:

    Thought we should revisit this in view of the recent financial (in)decisions made in the United States.

  18. This is funny! (I have to wonder if England would even want this mess, though!) I keep thinking the adults in Congress will learn to play nice and get their jobs done. Silly me….

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