On Making Decisions

We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” Orson Welles

Pink flowers

A reminder of spring

As some of you may know I have now been on my own for 13 years since the death of my husband.  Of course, at the time, I thought I couldn’t go on and my life was in disarray.

As time passed however, and the grief and sadness dimmed somewhat I began to think about the rest of my life and how I would live it.  Determining as I always have, that  the decision making would be in my hands.

A couple of years after my husband died I met a man at a dinner party.  He had recently lost his wife.  His was quite a tragic story in that his wife was very sick dying and they had separate rooms.  He came into her room one morning bringing her tea only to find her dead in the bed.  Well we dated a few times but apart from being widowed/widowered (is there such a word?) we had nothing in common.  So I ended that relationship after a few dates.  But it didn’t just end – he hung around my apartment block for days and “just happened” to be passing when I came out the entry door.  And every night he was sitting in his car opposite the apartment when I arrived home from the office.  Ugh.  Not scary but rather very creepy.

So onto number two.  Again his wife had died suddenly.  He had found her on the bathroom floor, dead having had a massive heart attack.  How did I attract these men?  Anyway, true to form he wanted to replace a 40 year marriage in 4 weeks and so this relationship went nowhere.  Shortly thereafter he met and subsequently married again.  And that marriage is working out well from all accounts.

Now number three.  This started out well.  One date for a drink and then I took off for England for six months.  During that time we had a great exchange of emails.  He was very witty and charming.  I thought this could be a long-term relationship.  We enjoyed the same things and I saw a future where we would each keep our own apartments and independence, meeting regularly for company, dinner, theater or whatever.

However, when I returned home he wanted us to live together, either in his apartment or mine.  Yet another one wanting to replace a 40 year marriage in a matter of weeks.

I enjoyed his company and the side benefits but was in no hurry to enter into any commitment.  Having told him this, he went off to Australia that week and immediately met up with a woman with whom he has been living ever since.

So I have now decided that I am no good at this looking for a partner and am better off living on my own, with Lotte (my Tibetan spaniel) for company.  She asks little of me.  Only to be fed, loved and walked all on a regular basis and these things I happily provide for her.

LotteFor male companionship  I have a friend with whom I go to the movies or to dinner but he knows there is no way this friendship will ever morph into anything else and he seems to be happy with that.I am beginning to spend more time with my women friends and discovering what a joy they are to be around.  One friend is a Real Estate Agent with an interest in all things spiritual.  And I am walking this path with her.  Among the others, one is a Feng Shui practitioner, another is a landscape gardener, two are masseuses, yet another is a teacher and another an astrologist.  A wide and varied group of women who are interesting and interested in what life has to offer.

Our discussions cover such a wide range of subjects with each of us listening intently to the others points of view and voicing our own.  With the exception of one, they each live alone, mostly by choice and appear to be enjoying the lives they are creating.  As am I.

I am proud and grateful to have these women as friends and will cherish that friendship for as long as it lasts – a season, a reason or forever.  I have said before that we do need friends and these women are mine.

As I read this post today from Winsomebella I realized that there is a definite movement of women deciding to take charge of their own future.  The future is open and wide enough for us to do as we choose, providing we don’t hurt anyone else in the process of course.

I would not have missed the 41 years with my husband but now can enjoy the freedom to make my life the way I want it – My Life My Way.

“Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Walk beside me and be my friend.”
– Albert Camus,1913 – 1960, French Algerian author, journalist, and key philosopher.


19 responses to “On Making Decisions

  1. Marianne (London)

    Oh my love you have a knack for attracting stray men. It could of course be that you are lovely looking, witty and lovely inside a beautiful LADY. Or of course the real reason is that you are a “Rita” girl. love you lots.

  2. How blessed you are to have so many women friends with such varied interests in your life. I think once one has had their own space, it might be hard to share it again. When my uncle died, someone asked my aunt (who is now 91) if she’d remarry. She said she’d already had a husband…obviously, she was ready to have some time to herself, and do what she wanted to do, when she wanted to.

  3. I really understand. Been divorced since 1984. There were a few live-ins after that, bur nothing meaningful. Been alone since 1995. No social life. Parents, both 88 live with me. Everyone seems to have their own suitcase so full of lingering problems from the past that are part of the territory and it is not worth complicating my life with their problems. So perhaps living without a spouse is a blessing. J, I am not getting notifications from anyone to whom I subscribed including you. Don’t know why.

  4. Thanks… I enjoy your posts… you sure know how to inspire! Keep doing life your way… it’s great to follow your journey! 😉

  5. Thank you for this post. It was both entertaining and encouraging. When my fiance died about a year and a half ago, I didn’t have the loss of something that had been an important part of my past and my entire life, but rather the loss of an entire future. I’ve managed two dates since then and have mostly decided that I’m just not ready yet, but that’s okay, because there’s still plenty of time and there’s always something waiting around any given corner. Until then, I have my roommate and my friends through her and from work, and, of course, our cats and dog!

    • Hi there. Death of a loved one is devastating whether the love has lasted for 41 years or a shorter length of time. Only you will know when you are ready to embark on a new relationship. May I encourage you to take your time and not be pushed into anything by any well-meaning friends and family members?

      • Ha! Thankfully, no well-meaning friends or family members have tried quite yet; I’m sure it will crop up eventually, and that’s just a bridge to cross when I get there.

  6. I love the Camus quote. Having been in “the dating scene” as a mature adult, I understand the difficulty (and sometimes the craziness) of it! I was lucky to find Jim online after 11 years as a single mom (we’ve been together just over three years).

    I love my women friends, but love to be with Jim as well.


  7. Though I blessedly still have my dear husband, I wonder what life would be like without him. I have never been on my own. Ever. I lived in a dorm in college, spent summers at home, and upon graduation, lived with my parents until George and I got married a year later. It’s scary for me to think of being without him, but that’s because I would miss him, not just living with someone. I know myself enough to know I would never want to marry again. I would probably visit my children more often and my two best friends. Thoughtful post, Judith.

    • Susan, our lives have been so alike. I lived at home until I met and married Bob and then lived with him for the next 41 years. I had never even had my own room until he died. Suddenly I had a houseful of rooms.
      I have no desire ever to marry again (as probably is clear from this post) but would like a companion with whom to share outings, thoughts and of course laughter.

  8. I suspect that when you least expect it someone will come into your life. My mom was widowed for 22 years and low and behold she now has a beau. We couldn’t be happier for her…

  9. It sounds to me like you are quite content with your own company and not in a hurry to cohabit with another person. That’s fine too and no need to change it… If and when you’re ready or decide to connect on that other level, you will…

    • Thanks for the wise words Elizabeth. Yes, I am currently very happy with the way things are but if another “Mr Right” came along who knows

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