26 | March | 2011 | I choose how I will spend the rest of my life

I have been looking back over the last few blogs and see that they are serious. When I started on this blogging journey I wanted to share things with you that I had learned over my life, but also wanted to make it fun.

While we can’t make racism or litter humorous, there are many other things I can write about with a funny twist.

How about the dreaded dentist? Ambrose Bierce(1842-1913) got it right when he said :

Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.

Well along with many people I know, the dentist is without a doubt my least favorite person. He may be (and in my case is) an absolutely charming fellow out of his surgery, but once he dons his whites and mask he becomes an absolute monster.

Mine thinks he is funny. ” Take a seat” he says like I am in any state to think straight or do anything but sit down. “Now we’ll just give you a shot and then all will be well” Well, I could have used the shot when I walked into the surgery waiting room 20 minutes ago. And anyway who is this “we”. I look around and only he is there. But wait, then into view comes this gorgeous, svelte blond nurse(?). She looks as if she should be in the movies not masquerading as a nurse/dental assistant. Luckily she isn’t some gorgeous hunk.

And I am sitting with over sized lips, mouth wide open and he decides to put an instrument in my poor mouth. At this point I think of Johnny Carson and his quip ‘Happiness is your dentist telling you it wont hurt and then getting his hand caught in the drill”.

OK I am still wishing hurt to him as well as to me. And for those of you too young to have missed Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show – his was the not to be missed show for all of us whatever our age. The show ran for 30 years from 1962 until his retirement in 1992. Click here to see Johnny Carson with Jim Carey.

I have the choice of listening to music or watching something on television while he works. He tells me it will distract me from what he is doing. How ominous is that? Why do I need distraction? What is he about to do?

Anyway I opt for music as the sight of 30 strong young men running around chasing a rugby ball doesn’t do anything to distract me (the rugby was his choice and I suspect he was watching it while keeping me waiting for 20 minutes). So the lovely Lucy – yes he did introduce us – put on her favorite radio program. Again that is nothing that will distract me; she’s young so her taste is different to mine. I manage to tell them, over sized lips, numb tongue and all, that I would prefer something a little less rowdy.

OK so now we are ready for said monster to look into my mouth. And then I get a look at his tools – now I really am in a torture chamber. Why would anybody with a kind heart want to inflict the pain that these tools can bring? I revise my opinion of the dentist. He certainly is not a kind and caring man after all.

Having endured several minutes of his huge hands in my mouth, poking around, looking for holes – does he think he is a gold prospector – and finding none, he says in a falsely hearty voice ‘You’re done. See you in six months. But before you go make an appointment with the hygienist” See he can’t just let you walk out of his surgery happy that he found nothing wrong.

So I walk out into the sunshine knowing I am safe from the monster and his tools for the next six months. But wait; oh no; he and his lovely wife (Lucy the nurse) will be at the dinner party I am invited to that night. Shall I smile at him and greet him like a friend or as the hidden ogre that I know him to be? Guess I shall just play it by ear.

Today’s quote has really nothing to do with the dentist but here it is

When you get into a tight place and it seems you can’t go on, hold on, for that’s just the place and the time that the tide will turn.
Harriet Beacher Stowe 1811-1896, American Writer.